There is a man who's bowled in my league for many years whose name isn't Gary. However, we'll call him Gary for the purposes of this blog.

Gary likes attention. He's not a great bowler, but like all bowlers, has the occasional good game. Like many bowlers, he thinks the lanes owe him strikes. When he doesn't strike, he shouts. After a few shouts, his flailing hands get into the act. After a few hand flails, the front of his shirt comes untucked. A few more hand flails, and the whole shirt is free.

By this point, he's not just shouting and flailing hands, but also making excuses. Hilarious excuses. He will blame the lane conditions (even though he throws a weak backup ball that isn't affected by oil at all). He will blame the owner of the bowling center (for creating said lane conditions). Most importantly, he will blame his opponent.

One night, Gary was particularly angry. His shirt was untucked by the end of the fifth frame in the first game. His excuses were flying. My favorite: "What do I gotta do? Shoot 'em down with a machete?"

You read that right.

Making things worse for Gary was his opponent, who was throwing a lot of strikes. Gary would watch him throw a strike, then exclaim "Quit taking all the strikes!" as if each pair of lanes had a predetermined strike allotment.

Then, the sandbagging accusations start to fly. "Sandbanger!" Again, yes, you read that right.

At one point, Gary was waiting on the approach for his opponent to bowl. His opponent threw a strike, so Gary responded the only logical (in his mind) way: by throwing his ball. Staring down his opponent, Gary threw his ball to the ground in a sign of giving up. The owner of the bowling center was nearby, and seeing the tantrum at hand, nudged Gary's ball toward the lane. Gary panicked, chased it down, and picked it up.

Gary failed to regroup however, and on his next throw, he stepped over the foul line. Someone called out "Foul!" and Gary retorted, "It was not! I slipped!"

When it was explained to him it doesn't matter whether he slipped or not, he walked to the ball return, picked up a ball (not even his own), and threw it at his opponent.

He missed, just like he'd been doing with the pins all night.

Gary hasn't been that riled up in years. And I don't recommend his behavior to anyone. Still, the memories of a tantrum of this level qualify Gary's ball-throwing incident as a great moment in league-bowling history.

This is the third in a series of blogs to once and for all establish the proper names for x number of strikes in a row. These terms come from my (and my bowling associates') personal bowling vernacular, and you may have differing opinions. Still, strings of strikes need names, and if we're all going to agree on a set of names, we might as well agree on mine.

Turkey is probably the most well-known bowling term among the general population. Recreational bowlers who might bowl once a year know what a turkey is and strive for it, usually because the scoring system puts some sort of turkey animation on the screen for them. But why is it called a turkey?

Origin

In the late 1800s and early 1900s, bowling proprietors used to present live turkeys to bowlers who threw three consecutive strikes around Thanksgiving or Christmas time. That's true.

Throwing three consecutive strikes was much harder then, but resulted in an actual pet and/or food. I don't know how many people enjoyed collecting pet turkeys, but I suppose there's a chance. Today, we get cheesy animations.

Current Use

Same as always. Three strikes is a turkey, although you'll sometimes hear three consecutive strikes referred to as a three-bagger, but in order to avoid yet another rant from me on why "bagger" isn't a suffix, we'll just leave it at this: three strikes in a row is a turkey.

Incidentally, does anyone still give out real turkeys? Not that I've experienced. Especially not live turkeys.

When throwing a turkey, some obnoxious bowlers will actually imitate a turkey. Gobbling abound. It's also appropriate to shout "X gets the square," once again referring back to the Hollywood Squares theme, but that's stretching it, as the Hollywood Squares theme should be clinging to life at this point.

Simpler, more subtle ways to celebrate a turkey are to calmly say "Turkey" or simply raise three fingers with confidence, similar to what you may have done after your double.

The final four of the PBA World Championship were determined at the World Series of Bowling in Detroit over two months ago. Bill O'Neill, 2005-06 rookie of the year and winner of this year's Chameleon Championship; Rhino Page, 2007-08 rookie of the year and winner of this year's Viper Championship; Wes Malott (reigning PBA player of the year; and Tom Smallwood, a guy who was laid off by General Motors and found himself some spare time to bowl.

The result? Smallwood now has one thing none of those other guys have: a major title on the PBA Tour. Smallwood also earned himself a two-year exemption to remain on Tour and a spot in January's PBA Tournament of Champions.

ESPN announcers Rob Stone and Randy Pederson made a big deal out of Smallwood's story, even before his semi-final match, and rightfully so. Even better, they chose the angle of the actual story of Smallwood coming out of nowhere to win rather than the "Michigan's savior" story we all remember from Michigan State's run to the NCAA basketball finals, the Red Wings' run to the Stanley Cup Finals, and the Tigers' run to a one-game playoff for the division. During all these recent events, people talk about how Michigan needs a sports team to win to save the state.

That's absurd. I'm all for Detroit's teams dominating, but this is regardless of the auto industry's status.

Plus, in Smallwood's case, the decline of the auto industry actually was a blessing in disguise. Had he never been laid off, maybe he wouldn't have entered this tournament. In that case, he obviously wouldn't have won. But he did, and with his victory, Michigan's economy is saved!

Well...not quite. Maybe if Smallwood wins the Tournament of Champions, but if four Stanley Cups since 1997, an NBA title, an NCAA basketball title, and all these runner-up performances of the past few years aren't enough, it will probably take more than one bowling championship.

But it's a start. Tom Smallwood worked hard and earned himself a major title. If he can beat O'Neill, Page, Malott, and all the other legends who didn't even make it to the finals, he should be able to pick up a few more wins and stay on the Tour for a long time. I'll be rooting for him. And of course, the entire state of Michigan is relying on him. That was sarcasm, by the way.

This was an excellent way for live bowling to return to TV. A tight finals match with an upset victory was a huge upgrade over the past couple weeks of poor bowling. ESPN will now take a three-week hiatus from bowling, returning January 10 with the taped finals of the Red, White and Blue Open.

What do you think of Tom Smallwood? A great one-time story? Or does he have what it takes to sustain a certain level of success on the PBA Tour?

This is the second in a series of blogs to once and for all establish the proper names for x number of strikes in a row. These terms come from my (and my bowling associates') personal bowling vernacular, and you may have differing opinions. Still, strings of strikes need names, and if we're all going to agree on a set of names, we might as well agree on mine.

A double is a longstanding bowling term that doesn't need to be altered. Boring? Yes. Disappointing to shout "Double" after shouting "Jim J. Bullock?" Yes. But essential.

Origin

Two strikes. Two. Double. Self-explanatory.

One downside to the double is the baseball reference. I have no qualms with baseball at all, although yesterday's trade of Curtis Granderson didn't please me. However, referring to two strikes in a row as a double might be directly responsible for the "bagger" suffix, for which I've previously established my disdain.

Still, despite my overanalyzing, two strikes in a row is a double.

Current Use

While tempting to modify the double, possibly continuing with the Hollywood Squares theme and adding another late-80s celebrity to the mix, it's not necessary, and we owe this to the Qubica scoring system.

In the system, if you throw a Bullock, but then don't strike on your next ball, missing the double, the Qubica taunts you. It lets you know, in huge letters and occasionally with a scolding finger, you missed a double.

When you throw a double, you don't need to shout, but you may. You might also want to flash two fingers, signifying your confidence (and cockiness) is growing now that you're two strikes in.